Suck Me Off

When I was a kid — it was probably grade 4 or grade 5 — the cooler kids used to tease you by asking “do you wake up with hair in your mouth?” It was a trap: if you answered “yes,” well, there were implications. And if you answered “no,” then they would respond with “Professional, eh.”

Of course the specific nature of the implications was completely lost on me. In the same way that the meaning of the insult “suck me off” lobbed at another kid was lost on me (I’m willing to bet that it was lost on most of the other kids as well). Actually, I think my Dad tried to explain it to me once, in a somewhat awkward discussion that may have involved additional awkward explanation of the meaning behind the name of the band Teenage Head.

All of which leads me to a discovery I made this morning.

I’ve always had issues with those sporty water bottles with the squirty nozzle at the top: I’ve never been able to get them to work and, at best I can get a trickle out of them.

When I headed off to the gym this morning [[Catherine]] handed me a metal water bottle, which was even worse because I couldn’t squeeze it, and thus couldn’t get anything to come out of it.

It turns out — and I have Catherine to thank for educating me on this — that effective use of sporty water bottles requires that you suck the water out, not to squeeze it out. Once I understood this my relationship to the bottle changed completely, and it hydrated my workout this morning quite effectively.