Work was my trump card

I was writing to my Dutch friend Frank this morning about his post Renewal.

Reflecting on my own move away from paid work 18 months ago, I realized that work, for decades, had been my all-powerful trump card.

If I was bored, or distracted, or annoyed; if I needed time to myself, or wanted to get out of doing something, “I’ve got some work to do” was the reason that could never be questioned.

It was a superpower that, along with income and colleagues, I gave up when I stopped working. A superpower I was never until now so conscious of.

What I need to learn to do instead is how to set boundaries, stake out time and space for myself.

I’m not good at that: I’ve never had to be.

I find myself taking perverse comfort in work-like activities—paying bills, maintaining this website, filing taxes—because they allow be a small measure of that trump card.

Realizing that I can allow myself the luxury of reading all day without needing a database memory issue to get me there is something I’m ever so slowly easing myself into.