Shattered

I have been listening to the audiobook of Shattered, by Hanif Kureishi, over the past few months, titrating it out on longer car trips.

A passage struck me this week, in a section about the writing of The Buddha of Suburbia (emphasis mine):

I considered myself to be a nervous, if not uptight, and repressed person. I could speak onstage, but found it difficult to be intimate with others. In the suburbs, where I was brought up, silence, if not shyness, was a virtue.

I wanted to use a freer voice, not unlike that of Henry Miller, writing the words that were somehow getting stuck or jammed up in my head. I wondered whether the restrained part of me might contain some of my most interesting ideas.

That idea—that beyond restraint lies something more—is something that’s been on my mind a lot of late.

Every therapist I’ve ever worked has pointed out that I have very strong “thinking parts” that interfere with my “feeling parts.” In any situation, it’s generally “thinking” that’s running point.

In a session this morning, I was particularly aware of this, as was my therapist, who has developed a sixth sense for when the thinking engine is running particularly hot.

“Restraint” is of the thinking domain, and I, like Kureishi, wonder what I might find if I can get it to soften back.

Shattered is available for listening with a Spotify subscription. You can also get the audiobook from Libro.fm (and support local bookstores). The ebook is currently on sale for $1.99 CDN from Amazon and Apple.