Don't want to eat shit and die? Pay us $25!

If you’ve ever had anything go wrong with an Air Canada journey — cancelled flight, weather delay, missed connection, lost luggage — then you know well the torture of endless lines at the counter, often followed by a “oh, we can’t help you here — you have to call the 1-800 number” or a “you need to go downstairs.”

The airline always appears to be operating on the edge, keeping just enough staff around for normal operations and getting completely flummoxed when things go off the rails.

So what’s their answer to a winter season’s worth of customer frustration?

Pay them $25 — in advance, on the chance that something will go wrong — and their new On My Way service will give you access to a “travel assistance service that will help get you on your way quickly, no matter what setback you encounter.”

This is almost comical enough to be joke.

I can only imagine that their next up-sell is going to be something like “Crash No More” …

Air Canada understands how terrifying it can be to hurtle through the air and 500 miles: the fear of unpleasant death is ever-present. That’s why we’re introducing Crash No More, a new flight crew upgrade service that will have you flying in peace.

Crash No More is now available at a low price when you book your next flight on Air Canada: for only $25 per flight segment, we’ll replace your regular pilot and first officer with seasoned veterans, many with actual combat flying experience. These are pilots who know the skies well, and are trained for any circumstance, thus helping you avoid the inconvenience of unplanned crashes or midair events.

I’ve got no problem with splitting off checked baggage, lounge access, meals and advance seat selection into optional services, but charging for what is an essential part of just being an airline is unconscionable.