Let’s say I have this friend. We’ll call him Dwayne.
Dwayne and I have this routine. Every night at 6 o’clock Dwayne comes over to the house for a chat. We talk about all sort of things: local events, world issues, the weather.
We’ve been doing this for years, and it’s one of my favourite parts of the day. As far as I know, Dwayne has always felt the same way. Indeed Dwayne and I have what I’ve always thought to be one of the stronger friendships around.
Suddenly, at the beginning of this week, Dwayne goes a little weird on me. Says we’ve gotta start getting together at 5 o’clock instead of 6 o’clock. And we can’t really talk about things so deeply any more, he warns me; gotta keep it light, breezy.
Or maybe we can talk about serious things later. Like he’ll say “I heard about this crazy thing that happened downtown this morning. Tell you about it later.” It’s very off-putting.
To make matters worse, at 5:30 Dwayne suddenly gets up to leave, and this other guy, a guy I don’t know named Maurice, from New Brunswick, shows up. Tries to go all Dwayne on me, but in a way that makes it clear he’s got no idea about Dwayne, or about me.
Just as I’m getting over this whole Maurice thing, at 6 o’clock Dwayne’s back, and wants to rehash everything we talked about at 5 o’clock, but now he’s all serious and deep again. Except he wants to talk about the weather too.
Needless to say, my once close relationship with Dwayne is getting strained. I feel like I don’t know him any more. I feel like he’s at the mercy of forces beyond his control.
It may be over for me and Dwayne. Which is really sad. Because, like I said, my daily time with Dwayne has always been one of the highlights of my day.
Imagine how Dwayne’s brother must feel. They’re now in direct competition.
Another problem is that Dwayne shows up when we are busy cooking supper, and, following supper when we have time to converse, he leaves half an hour early! He seems to think that keeping these hours may prevent our friends from Halifax from visiting, but we may shut the door altogether!
Well, don’t blame Dwayne. He’s not allowed to tell you this, but he’s not any happier about it than you are. He also liked your little six o’clock visits and is pretty hard pressed to figure out why anyone would want to muck with such a successful friendship.
Don’t even get me started about Dwayne’s friend Corrie, who used to drop in after supper but now comes by when we’re eating.
“Imagine how Dwayne’s brother must feel. They’re now in direct competition. “
Thing is…his name is Dwayne, too.
Blame Dwayne’s boss.
I’ll keep hanging with Dwayne — he’s a great guy.
Consider it a reboot, Dwayne 2.0, with new features you don’t want and some of the old features you loved and learned so well cast away like an old Atari. Innovative destruction.
Sounds like Dwayne might need some counseling.
In the mean time, Peter, drop over to Stratford anytime for a visit. It’s Dwayne-free (and Maurice-free too) at my place.
I think you need to blame Dwayne’s bosses (including its Chair and Board of Directors who formerly wanted to get ride of Dwayne) who now upset his routine and also expects him to do more with less and do it in a new timeslot — I have much sympathy for the hard working souls who have made Dwayne as popular as he was and now are being treated quite badly — It seems a certain PM may try to do through the backdoor what he could not do through the front door which is to eliminate Dwayne and his colleagues altogether — Dwayne needs friends in times like this
It doesn’t take a doctor to see that Dwayne is ill. Another bad day today. He keeps repeating himself. Over and over. Mumbling to himself about what is to come. And grumbling how his matriarch in Toronto, “MotherShip” or his ATM Cash Machine father, “PM” never really understood him. And his cousin “Corrie” won’t be able to keep the remote out of our hands for a minute.
But, don’t dispair! If Dwayne goes away, we might meet someone more interesting! Nature doesn’t like a vacuum…there are other fish in the sea. Dwayne has obviously made a wrong turn in the neighborhood. Most of his family are from away…could this be the cause of his poor sense of direction? And with a nickname of “Compass”, doesn’t it all seem so ironic?
Tell Dwayne that the good new is that Cornation Street is on a half hour earlier.
I love this! This is dead on…I can’t believe the number of times over the past few days that I’ve said PULLLEEEZE. My eyes are sore from rolling them so often. I will continue to watch as I respect Bruce and the CBC team (but I expect a few days off purgatory as recompense).
Y’know I used to think Dwayne had a sprain or something (cracked shin?) and I forgave all the limping and crutches, but then he shows up wheezing and hacking with newly diagnosed COPD and proceeds to struggle through an extra half marathon every evening. In hindsight he used to be quite the athlete. Dwayne’s brother, Dwayne, never looked so good.
Two words that explain half the change.