The Seinfeld Channel

I have spent an exhausting six months watching Seinfeld. Exhausting because it’s on most prominently at 12:05 a.m. (i.e. the 12:05 that comes just after midnight). Watching because somehow I largely missed Seinfeld in its original run (there was a dark period of 3 or 4 years in the somewhere where I had a small black and white TV that only picked up CHEX, a sort of toy CBC station in Peterborough). As a result of this, Seinfeld has always seemed like some deep dark secret pool of cultural references that I didn’t quite get.

I’m happy to say that after this tiring marathon (in recent weeks it’s been 5:30 and 8:30 p.m. on Fox Rochester, and 12:05 a.m. on ASN), I believe I’ve now seen every episode. And so while I’m not yet at the stage where I’ll turn away from an episode of Seinfeld if it throws itself at me, I no longer feel the need to pursue the affair. Thank goodness.

That said, I have cause to wonder why in the panoply of digital channels there isn’t The Seinfeld Channel. There’s a channel that plays only westerns, one that plays only action movies, one that plays only Dave Chalks Computer Talk and other annoying tech weirdnesses. There even appears to be a channel based almost entirely around reruns of Three’s Company and Hogan’s Heros.

So why not The Seinfeld Channel? I suspect that it’s the kind of channel that people actually would pay $2.95 a month to subscribe to… just think: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you turn to, say, channel 345 and you can watch an episode of Seinfeld. No more waiting until after Spin City or ATV Nightside. All Seinfeld, all the time.

If there are any impressarios reading, I’m ready and waiting to sign up.

APM to acquire Village of Hunter River

In a move that has shocked some village residents and that echos its recent acquisition of Callbeck’s Home Hardware, the APM Group today announced that it had completed negotiations to acquire the Village of Hunter River, Prince Edward Island.

APM president Tim Banks said he is excited about the acquisition. “I’ve driven through Hunter River many times, and have always realized that it is underdeveloped; with our retail and construction expertise, we’ll have Hunter River turned around by the end of the year.”

APM plans to introduce better lighting, friendlier customer service and a better selection of exotic fruits and vegetables to the village. It is expected that the present site of the Irving gasoline station will be converted to a manufacturing plant for reproduction antique wheelbarrows.

While tightlipped about details for the project, APM officials did hint that some of the residents of the village may have to be relocated. “Hartsville is barely full, and New Glasgow has some spare room,” said a company source, “we don’t anticipate much resistance.”

Part of a planned expansion by the APM Group in 2002, the acquisition of Hunter River has renewed rumours that the company is planning to purchase the communities of Crapaud, Eldon and Dundas. APM representatives had no comment on these rumours.